The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

When I first started dreaming about writing a book, the title The Good, Bad, and Ugly kept popping up in my head. And then, as is true for all writing, others started to publish books with that same title, albeit mostly sports related. As it ends ups, it was my inside voice nattering at me about some type of deep-rooted classification system. With a growing awareness and my never-ending curiosity, I began to explore the idea that I judge all my experiences in life according to this classification system: the good, the bad, and the ugly. This learning continues to have a huge impact in understanding what drives me. I know I am not done, nor do I think I am the only person who has a classification system. What’s your classification system set at? Where and how do you file experiences in your life? I invite you to be curious. My intention in sharing my journey is that it sheds light on your own internal system and provides insights and possibilities for growth.

Science has proven that our brains, and therefore our beliefs, are mostly developed in the first four to seven years of our lives. Based on that, it makes sense that my roots developed from the beliefs of my parents, care providers, and early teachers. My parents were devoted Roman Catholics and I know, without a doubt, that much of my classification system developed based on the ‘rules’ of that religion. Those rules were further ingrained through eight years of attendance at Roman Catholic schools. I know that over the years, through perceived fear, I have embellished and refined some of those beliefs often creating a much larger root system to support the classifications.

Your classification system may have the same words as mine: the good, the bad and the ugly. Those words will have different meanings for each of us, AND most importantly will have different beliefs attached to their root systems. In my earliest discoveries, I came to understand how much my beliefs were influenced by religion. Its not that I view religion negatively as I am a spiritual person, but I am noticeably clear that for me, it is one of the foundations of my system. Are you aware of early influencers in your life that might be major contributors to your classification system?

One might assume the good is the easy part of my classification system. Nope, not for me! It continues to be one of the most difficult parts and one I need to consciously work on. For decades, I was driven to achieve, always running after the next goal, and never celebrated my achievements. For every win in my life, I asked so what, now what? It was about proving I was good enough. And it cost me a burnout. A deep-rooted fear that feeds my classification system is that I will fall short.

In addition, sharing good news tended to throw off the religious beliefs that support quiet servitude whereas too much sharing about one self would most certainly be viewed as feeding my ego and bragging. The easiest part of my meter has always been the bad. My inner critic, Pissy, is always strong and extremely loud. I think she might be a founding member of the classification system. She is most at ease when I file things under the bad because she really likes to be right.

The absolute nightmare was the ugly. This is where shame and I hung out for months on end, torturing each other until I finally won and stuffed things in the basement. Now I understand how that basement of filed experiences provided fuel for the beliefs that support the ugly classification system.

Another foundational piece that informed the development of my good, bad, and ugly classification system, is my parents. They reinforced the religious beliefs and added a few of their own. As parents, we all do our best based on what we know, and our intentions are always great despite some non-affirming results at times. In her own way, my mom wanted me to continuously improve and achieve more. Her dream was crushed when she was 18 based on protecting the baby of the family and even stricter religious beliefs. Her intention was to support me to be my best and know the possibilities were limitless. Out of that, I concluded that nothing I ever did was good enough and at some point, I gave birth to Pissy, my inner critic. She is a little bit like my ego in that nothing is ever good enough and she continues to drive the perfectionist in me. Even though I have tons of evidence to the contrary, this deep-rooted belief that I am not good enough is attached to two of my classification systems: the good because nothing is ever good enough to be filed there and even if it were, talking about it would be bragging; and the bad because that is where I file most things when I fall short! It seems fitting that Pissy has such a big influence because like my ego, she is never satisfied. Always trying to do better led me to a life of forever doing at the expense of being fulfilled and happy.

My parents influenced the bad part in a few ways. It was kind of taboo in my family to talk about mistakes, let alone think there might be something to learn. Although our communication may have appeared normal, there never seemed space to talk about things I was feeling or thinking. And the more I developed Pissy, the more she became my best friend. The bad is where I spend a lot of time making up stories about what others think about me based on my judgements of what occurred and my own classification system. Rather than simply checking in with others and asking for clarification, I take a deeper and convoluted dive and emerge either on the totally made-up sigh of relief as I finally decide to check it out, or even an ascension of the experience to the ugly class. Walt Disney once said: “If you can imagine it, you can create it” and Pissy supports my vivid imagination with lots of encouraging thoughts of her own and I create my own reality that isn’t even based on facts. Most times, these are experiences where I feel I fell short, misread a communication, or said something I now regret.

Whatever I classify as bad has a high potential of being deemed ugly unless I take the communication steps necessary to check it out and get the facts. Other life experiences that I judge as ugly often stem from the ten commandments that inform the Roman Catholic religion. All experiences that end up being judged ugly have the potential to be problematic for a long time. They are the experiences that keep me awake at night, imagining potential different outcomes, and a gazillion if only I had scenarios. All these messages hold possible key beliefs that are attached to the root system of this classification system.

What I now know is this darkness meter not only survives but thrives based on what I feed it and my level of consciousness. You might be asking, so how has this knowledge Impacted my life? For one thing, I am much quicker at acknowledging and celebrating all my results, big and small, monthly, quarterly, and annually. I also set a strong intention every year which helps me see all my results rather than be focused on specific goals. These small actions help me celebrate and file many more experiences under the good. With awareness, I’ve found that I process experiences filed under bad by talking it through in my journal. That process allows me to become crystal clear and determine what is mine and what is not. I then have more courage to communicate and what I call ‘clean my wake’ if necessary. This process used to take me months and now takes me days. My intention is to not use my imagination to make myself wrong! Not having the communications was what my family thought me – keep the dirt under the carpet. When things get to the ugly meter, I now feel the energetic drag of shame luring me to hide or isolate to the basement amid other past uglies. It’s taken me years of alternative healing modalities to surrender the deep-rooted pain hidden in my basement.

I urge you to discover your own classification system. As my own process and thinking has evolved, I changed the wording from classification system to darkness meter. It is a meter, and I am always at choice as to the meter’s settings. In order to make choices that align with our purpose and highest desires, we need to be aware of how we judge our own results.

Being curious has led me to understand that beliefs connected to my darkness meter form a network that supports and reinforces the meter’s current settings. Even when you find the root, it is critical to detach and disassociate all other beliefs that have been added in your life time. I understand more about the challenge and complexity of ‘changing my thoughts to change my life’. Easier said than done! Stay tuned for Part 2 of this blog, the Roots of Darkness.

Lucie Honey-Ray

I am called to help humanity transform darkness into light: illuminating pathways to love. My personal healing journey led me to gain a deep understanding about the pieces of me I consider dark and how these limit our potential to love others and ourselves fully. My deeply rooted desire for self-love led me to 30 years of research, group and one-on-one facilitated sessions and an exploration of what others might consider tough topics – on the dark side. If this article inspired you and piqued your curiosity, I can be reached at lhoneyray@gmail.com.