What’s Peace Got to do with it?

Worry and guilt can be all consuming and together, they are a toxic mixture of feelings, thoughts, and learned behaviours. First, we worry about something and then we act from a fear-based position. The action or behaviour leads to results we don’t like which often invites guilt. Not only is the pattern toxic, but it is also exhausting, and it gets in the way of experiencing joy. I discovered this at a time when I was seeking more joy and peace in my life. Are you someone who worries a bit? A lot? Or excessively? How often do you feel guilt? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? Do you recognize this pattern? Maybe you recognize the elements separately.

This blog introduces my learnings about worry and guilt and creates opportunities to enhance your awareness of how worry and guilt show up in your life. You may unearth patterns that will help you to unlearn what you thought you knew about worry and guilt. Unlearning has become one of my favorite processes and it works on thoughts, behaviours, and feelings. Our brains are malleable, and we can change patterns and rewire ourselves to create peace within and increase opportunities to experience more joy. Learning to let go of worry and guilt is a powerful strategy to help you do just that!

As I increased my consciousness of the areas in my life where worry had taken over, I began by looking at my childhood. I don’t remember experiencing worry as a child because my parents kept all their worries secret from us kids. They also never fought in front of us, so I never worried about their relationship. I do remember Sunday dinners were the best meal of the week. Otherwise, we ate a lot of baloney presented in creative ways. I didn’t find out till my mid forties that my parents struggled financially. Heck, I am still learning about some of the trials and challenges my parents faced. I was clueless. Worry was not part of my life until I reached my teens. Do you remember worrying as a child? What did you worry about? Can you remember when you started to worry about things.

Worry is often described as an emotion. According to Brene Brown in the Atlas of the Heart, worry is the thinking part of anxiety. It is not an emotion. Brown describes worry as “a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that might happen in the future.” In other words, I feel anxious about something, and then my mind begins to worry by imagining a million possible worse case scenarios. Even though I’ve come a long way and no longer worry about everything, I still worry about my kids, my family, and my loved ones. Where worry becomes problematic is when its all consuming and I allow it to get in the way of enjoying life. There have been many times in my life where I allowed my thoughts to rob me of precious moments. Simply not worth it. Worry is a coping mechanism and strategy to alleviate or elevate anxiety. What do you worry about? Can you remember a time when you worried, and it made a difference? Why do you worry?

I learned to worry in my teens when I began to experience bullying in high school. I barely knew any English, moved to a primarily English-speaking neighbourhood, and attended a French school where most of the after class detentions were for students who spoke English in the hallways. I was a chunkier girl wearing gabardine outfits. After being picked on and pushed several times, I learned that worry made me sick. The anxiety was unbearable. Every day I worried about getting to and from school safely. And I didn’t know how to get help. So, I kept worrying and eating. Food became my solace. Then I learned to worry about the people I love when I lost three special men before my 34th birthday (my dad and two husbands). I was also worried about falling in love and being hurt again. The things you worry about may be rooted in beliefs adopted a long time ago that no longer serve you. The first step in unlearning is charting out where you learned to worry. Did you grow up with a parent that was always worried? Where did you learn to worry? And what might you have to do to unlearn some of those feelings, thoughts, and behaviours?

I have a belief that I teach most what I need to learn most, so its not surprising that as I write this article, I have an unexpected and major leak in my bathroom. It made itself known in a medicine cabinet and last night layers of paint came off my ceiling heavy and soaked. To add context, we are expecting an atmospheric river, over 100ml of rain, over the next couple of days. Talk about a perfect storm! I found myself worrying this morning and before I could make up too many what if scenarios, I asked: what’s the worse that can happen? And quickly moved to what do I need to do to take care of myself? I removed all my personal belongings from the bathroom. The rest will be what it is. I am in a rental and the plumber has already been scheduled for Monday. A big part of unlearning is increased awareness which leads to less time spent in worry.

Guilt on the other hand, is an emotion. Brene Brown describes guilt as “an emotion we experience when we fall short of our own expectations or standards”. Guilt focuses on the behaviour or the action. This is where worry connects to guilt. When we worry and it’s getting the best of us, we are driven to act. Its human nature! We need to do something to fix it, alleviate the worry, and feel the relief we’ve imagined is on the other side. Problem is we are often acting on imagined negative scenarios that will most likely lead to results we won't like. In addition, negative thoughts are fear-based and action from a place of fear is more likely to result in a different perfect storm. All results we don’t like, lead to feelings of guilt because we fell short of our own expectations. Even when we are not aware what we expect, we are compelled to act to relieve the worrisome thoughts and we will land in a pit of guilty feelings. Not if, but when!

Perfectionists beware – you are most likely to experience a lot of guilt due to high standards and expectations. If you struggle with beliefs that you are not good enough beware – you are also more apt to experience a lot of guilt. Depending on your emotional state at the time, guilt can easily lead to shame which is when the focus is on the person rather than the behaviour. Shame is the focus of the blog Turning the Tragic Triangle into the Magic Chuckle. Unlike worry, I learned all about guilt growing up. Erma Bombeck said it best, “Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving”. Although research indicates guilt is more likely to be transferred maternally (mother to daughter), there is no concluding evidence to indicate this is true. The more I learned about guilt and worry, the more I unearthed deep patterns that were habitual and not aligned with what I wanted in my life. Here’s a small example. Every time someone got angry with me or raised their voices at me, I cowered and felt guilty as I thought for sure I had fallen short. I began to see patterns and linked the first time I worried, my bullying experience, to a belief that when someone yells or is angry, I must have done something wrong. This automatic response is a pattern I have now completely changed.

A more recent pattern that I am still exploring is the belief that being nice means I have to sacrifice. This is definitely guilt driven and operates under beliefs that I am a nice person, I am a good friend, its only a couple of days…sounding more like a martyr. A topic for another exploration. For now, if this blog has you curious, make sure you check out our Finding Peace Within (Letting go of worry and guilt) workshop.